Successful Aging: How to make and keep friendships as we grow older

7/21/2024

Q. I am in my early 80s and value my long-term friendships. For the past several years, I have been living outside the country and have stayed in touch with several friends in the U.S. via emails and Skype. Now that I am back in Los Angeles, it seems these friends aren’t eager to reconnect. Can you help me understand this? Many thanks. S.C.

Having good friends in later life is a gift with many benefits. In addition to just having great personal connections, we know that such relationships promote overall health and prevent social isolation and loneliness. They reduce the risk of significant health problems, increase longevity https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860 and have been linked to slower mental decline and a sharper memory. 

Yet we know that patterns of friendships change with age. In general, as people get older, they become more selective in how they spend their time. This applies to their friendships as well. 

Here are some reasons for those changes:

Evolution. We humans are reported to have a particular social behavior we share with monkeys. Studies indicate that as monkeys get older, they also become pickier on whom they count on as friends. And that is without knowing they have a limited time on this planet. Laura Almeling of the German Primate Center in Göttingen suggests this selectivity among humans may be due to evolution from our primate cousins. 

Lack of familiarity. Studies have shown that familiarity is a foundation of lasting friendships. People often are attracted to those who share their interests, values and experiences. At the same time, having friends different from you often is most interesting, stimulating and rewarding. People change over time. We continue to grow and evolve. As interests, priorities, passions and hobbies change, the familiarity and commonality that once formed the bond may diminish. 

Physical distance. Zoom and Skype can do only so much. There is nothing like being present with one another’s company. A 2023 study found that when we spend face-to-face time with a friend we may get the same brainwave. Apparently, as soon as we look at each other’s eyes, “the neural activity in our brains become synchronized leading to more kindness toward others, better communication and cooperation. “However, if we text or chat over video, neural synchrony between our brains almost disappears,” according to a May 28, 2024, Washington Post report. Perhaps lack of in-person contact may partially be responsible for changes in long-term friendships. 

Making new friends can be intimidating, according to Andrea Bonior, professor of psychology at Georgetown University, as quoted in the Washington Post in 2016. She adds, “It’s very funny…with romantic relationships we would never expect to partner for life with the first person we ever went out on a date with. But if a friendship doesn’t get off the ground, we automatically wonder what we did wrong.” She adds, “You have to put forth the effort continually, remembering it’s a numbers game.”

Here are a few tips on making new friends, particularly in later life. 

• Engage in activities you like and join others. Find something that feeds your passion. That could be hiking or walking, a language class or book group. Then, there is an art class, theater group or a Senior Center that offers a host of activities. 

• Attend a religious service in a church, mosque or synagogue. Religion can be a connecting force. If you are more spiritual than religious, there are organizations that focus on spirituality. 

• Ask a lot of questions. When meeting a new potential friend, listen attentively and in a sincere manner. In general, most of us are not good listeners, often waiting for the next person to stop talking so we can take our turn. 

• Take a risk and put yourself out there. There is nothing to lose. And don’t expect too much from a single person. It’s more realistic to have a variety of friends for different reasons, even if that group is small. 

• Be the initiator. Invite someone for coffee or lunch. And accept an invitation when it is extended and then re-extend an invitation. 

Clearly, friendships can be a challenge. Staying in touch with technology still offers us great opportunities. However, we know there is more. 

Thank you, S.C., for your good question. Enjoy your stay in the U.S. Stay well and be kind to yourself and others. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity