How to avoid letting ageist criticism turn into a self-fulfiling prophecy

11/4/2024

Q. I am a 78-year-old healthy woman with the skills and ability to drive safely. However, when I drive with my son in the passenger seat, he announces all stop signs, and 4-way intersections, and he becomes a back-seat driver in the front seat. I think he is judging me because of my age. His comments are shaking my confidence. I have asked him to stop, but that only lasts a short time. Can you write about the effect of such criticism on a person? Many thanks. S.N.

If you believe that your son’s criticism is based on your chronological age, that might be an indication of ageism. When one begins to have self-doubts because of such criticism, it is easy to turn that criticism into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How we think about our own aging tends to influence our thoughts and behaviors without being consciously aware it’s happening. It’s how we interpret our daily experiences and establish a cause-and-effect explanation for events, believing age is the cause. 

Researchers found that negative perceptions of aging have significant harmful consequences. Here are some of their findings. 

Longevity. In a 23-year study, older adults who reported more positive self-perceptions of aging lived 7.5 years longer than older adults with more negative self-perceptions of aging, according to Professor Becca Levy of Yale University. 

Illness. In a study of more than one thousand people over a six-year-period, participants who believed that aging is a time of physical loss had increased physical illnesses. Those who believed that aging is a time of continued learning and development reported a decrease during the same period. 

Brain Health. Research participants who endorsed more negative age stereotypes showed greater signs of risk factors for Alzheimer’s Disease compared to those with a more positive attitude. 

To further make the point, here is a story shared by a friend who describes herself as a healthy older woman with gray hair. Her experience took place in a supermarket. According to my friend, when she approached the cash register to pay her bill, she realized her wallet was missing. She added that the problem was reported to the marketing manager who said to her in a condescending tone, “Are you sure you had your wallet?” My friend felt he actually was saying, “You’re 93, probably demented and left your wallet at home.” When the police came, the surveillance tape showed a thief removing the wallet from her purse in front of the cashier. “At that moment.” she said, “the manager’s tone changed. Although it happened a year ago, it still resounds in my head every time I misplace something or can’t remember something.” 

She and her husband subsequently went to see a performance at the Civic Center that has two theaters. When she approached the parking lot, she found it was dimly lit and empty. “I heard that voice in my head saying, “‘Are you sure you got that date right? Did you check your calendar?’” “I was doubting my ability to organize and remember,” she added. The good news was that the performance was at the second theater and she realized her memory was just fine. 

Here is one more story described by Becca Levy in her book “Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs about Aging Determine How Long and Well You Live.” (Wm Morrow, 2022). She and her grandmother Horty were shopping in a grocery store when grandma Horty fell to the floor with a gashed bleeding knee. It had caught on to a sharp edge of a crate. Note Horty was a competitive golfer and avid walker. She confronted the owner and said, “You shouldn’t leave crates in the middle of your store.” The owner replied, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t be walking around. It’s not my fault older people fall down all the time. So don’t go blaming me.” That night Horty asked her daughter to water her avocado tree which she normally did herself. She didn’t trust herself to drive to her usual hair appointment. She questioned her competency as an older person as she never had before,” writes Levi.” And adds, “If a few negative words could affect someone as strong and spunky as Horty, what were negative age stereotypes doing to us as a country?” 

An added thought — to confirm your self-evaluation, you might take the AAA self-rating questionnaire. Another resource is the driving assessment program offered by the Providence Little Company of Mary Medical Center, San Pedro, Optimal Aging Center. They can be reached at 310-514-5370. This is just to make sure. 

We all need to be aware of the negative messages about aging and how they are affecting our thinking and behavior. 

S.N., thank you for bringing this important issue to our attention. Continue safe driving and as always, be kind to yourself and others. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity